Little Thomas the Hullucinating Somersaulting Gary Coleman Canine

Little Thomas trudged out onto the stage. He didn't want to be there. All the people looking at him as if he was the last doughnut in the police headquarters breakroom. He thought of what he was doing. How he hated it so much. But it paid well.
Pfft. He thought to himself. I am making the same complaints as a stripper
Truly, the only difference between Thomas and a stripper was that strippers attract rich business men and know how to gobble rod.
Whereas Little Thomas was a halfbreed mongrel of a street dog who hullucinated charismatic chickens and had conveniently (for his starving stomach) learned to do somersaults whenever he tried to walk backwards.
As the reason that this is beneficial may not be truly apparent, let me elaborate.
Imagine you are a kitchenhand in a grubby inner-city restaurant and you are carrying a plate of leftovers. You see a little scruffy little puppy (Little Thomas is actually 36 in dog years. He is like a canine Gary Coleman… But less creepy) who is quite frightened. But as the gorgeous little tyke starts backing away, his back legs start vibrating like 200 dollars well spent in a dubious shop, catapulting his rear into the air to have him land in the sitting position slightly dazed and with a slight sense of vertigo. What do you do? You either laugh and carefully boot him away, wary of the diseases he is carrying. OR, you sneak back inside and get a freshly basted steak and chuck it to the little fella. Because at that stage you are on the verge of beastiality… You goddam freak!
But now back to the story at hand, or is it at paw?
Baddum Tschh
AT HAND!
As Thomas slowly walked onto the stage he felt the telltale signs that he was going to have a problem with this performance.
His bladder was complaining like a pregnant woman, his heart palpatating like that of four hundred kilogram man who rests just 3 twinkies shy of a major Coronary.
Thomas trudged gloomily out to the centre of the stage, a shy fake grin on his face. He was just about to take his first step backwards for the group of onlooking teenagers, all wanting to see the stupid little puppy knock himself unconcious again, all holding delectable snack for when he did.
And the he heard it.
Cluck
Surely this couldn't be. It had never happened when he was in view. NEVER.
Bwaaark Buk Buk Buk.
Oh god! Oh damn. And then. He saw one. Winding its way through the feet of his onlookers was the chartol heston of chickens. If he was human he would be Johnny Depp, Joan of Ark, James Spader, William Shatner, Jesus himself is goddamn chicken form. As the chicken approached, thomas took one vibrating step backwards then another. And then…. He launched forward. He knew this was the end. It was all over. With a THUD Thomas hit the pavement rear end first. The shock running up through his sphincter and into his spine, causing all his limbs to go to jelly (not the delicious colored jelly but the gooey jellyFISH kind that hurt like buggery if you touch em)
Now the chicken was before him. It smiled it's clairvoyantly charming smile and said to him.
"Hello there Chum! Fancy a drink"


In other news, a stray dog has been found that seems to be completely insane. Scientists and veterinarians alike are very excited because mental illness in a dog may be their first step into evolving the ability of self-awareness.
Heres tom with the weather.